


QMS 13

by Deacon_Heller



Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deacon_Heller/pseuds/Deacon_Heller
Summary: While on Earth for a peace summit of the Free Jaffa, SG10 watch a M.A.L.P. transmission that shows a human fighting a life and death struggle against a giant humanoid lizard.
Kudos: 1





	QMS 13

Tulol and Natock, wearing their finest brown robes, introduced themselves to Teal'c and Master Bra'tak as they entered the conference room at Stargate Command on Earth. They were the last Free Jaffa to arrive for the peace summit. Once inside they were introduced to the other Jaffa in attendance. Colt and Ford watched through the window from outside the room and as the Jaffa all sat down, and then they walked away.

Ford made his way to the mess hall while Colt kept his appointment with the psychiatrist. When it was over they both checked on the Jaffa, who were still speaking on all matters...Jaffa. Colt walked into the control room and sat down beside Walter as he was preparing to send a M.A.L.P. through the gate. With nothing else to do, Ford found himself in the control room watching silently.

Colonel O'Neill entered the control room and began asking Walter about findings of the previous world they'd just explored. When he was finished he noticed Ford and approached him. 

"Sergeant Ford," O'Neill nodded at Ford.

"Colonel O'Neill," Ford nodded back. 

"How's life on Alpha Base?" O'Neill asked. 

"Hot. Scorpions the size pit bulls. Ever present threat of orbital bombardment, and then there's the food."

"The food's always the worst part," O'Neill commented. "You come for the summit?" 

"Partly. We came as an escort for Tulol and his people. They're all really excited to meet Teal'c and Master Bra'tak, but it was also time for his psyche eval," Ford pointed at Colt, sitting beside Walter at the control panel. 

"Is that your, uh..." O'Neill began, nodding at Colt and making air quotes with his fingers. 

"Oh yeah. Civilian Science Advisor."

"It's not easy is it?"

"Not even a little."

"I see that you have a Jaffa on your team."

"Yup."

"I was doing it before it was cool."

"Uh huh, yeah, I know. Everyone knows."

"Yeah..."

"So, has Jackson died yet today?"

"Nah, we've gone eight months without a Jackson workplace death."

"Is that a record?"

"No, I think three years is the record. I'd have to check with Carter. Any of your men come back yet?"

"Yeah, I don't think that's in the cards for us."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Hey, check it out, a Sleestack!" Colt laughed, waving Ford and O'Neill over to the monitors.

"What's a Sleestack?" Ford asked, as he approached the monitors with O'Neill. 

"That is a big lizard," O'Neill said. 

"Is that a human?" Sergeant Silar asked, pointing at the screen. 

"Try to radio him," Walter said.

"He's not responding," Silar replied. 

"I think the Sleestack is going for him," O'Neill said. 

"Looks that way," Ford agreed. 

"In this corner...we have a human male in a gold shirt and black pants weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds. He stands approximately five foot ten with a seventy inch reach. His opponent, hailing for worlds unknown, is human-lizard hybrid known to his fans as the Sleestack Slicer!" Colt began narrating the fight.

"Is he...?" O'Neill asked Ford.

"All the time," Ford said as he rubbed his left temple. 

"The Sleestack Slicer, or Slicer, as he is affectionately known to his friends, stand stands six foot six inches and weighs in at an impressive three ten. The judges have decided to wave the weight classes for this bout," Colt continued. "Here we see Slicer approaching the unarmed human using his characteristic shamble. He's pacing himself, feeling out the scrawny human before he moves in for the kill."

"Do you recognize that uniform?" Ford asked O'Neill, pointing to the human as he backed away from the creature towards a dead tree. 

"Never seen it before," O'Neill answered.

"Here we see the human grabbing a stick from the ground, the referee's have allowed the use of foreign objects in the fight, this is going to be interesting," Colt continued in his commentator voice.

"That's not going to help him," O'Neill stated. "The Slicer just pulled a branch off the tree."

"Good thing the lizard is slow," Ford added.

"The human has made a classic death match mistake, he brought a stick to a branch fight, and he's realizing this too late at the Slicer takes a swing at him," Colt commented. 

"Swing and a miss," O'Neill added. 

"The branch broke on the tree instead of the human. That's tough luck for Slicer. The human, moving with the speed of someone mildly concerned for his safety, has gotten behind Slicer and is pounding him with a double fist to the lower back. Twenty or thirty more of those and Slicer is going to be hurting." Colt laughed. 

"Slicer responds with a painfully slow back hand, while Gold Shirt easily ducks it and follows up with a Judo chop to the neck," Ford commented. 

"Really?" O'Neill asked Ford. 

"It's hard not to get caught up in his madness," Ford pointed at Colt. 

"Slicer moves in for the double claw choke, but Gold Shirt backs away. Oh, Gold Shirt steps back in and over commits with a kick easily caught by Slicer," Colt heckled. 

"Stick and move!" O'Neill yelled at the monitor. 

"Slicer tosses Gold Shirt like confetti and then goes back to his classic shambolic approach and catches the unwary human in bear hug. Slicer could easily take a piece out of Gold Shirt at this point with his inch long fangs, but he's putting on the pressure instead. Slicer is toying with Gold Shirt and immediately regrets it when the scrawny human palm strikes both his ear holes and escapes."

"He jaunts up into the rocks with all the grace of an East Ukrainian Power Lifter and finds a large stone to throw!" Ford said. "Slicer, still recovering from the ear slap is slow to respond and takes a rock right to the stomach. This fight is taking an embarrassing turn for Slicer."

"Slicer knows he can't match Gold Shirt's speed, but he can throw rocks too. Slicer picks up a boulder and hurls it at the scrawny human in a stunning display of strength," O'Neill joins in the commentary. "The human bravely scurries out of the path of the boulder and realizes too late that he shouldn't have started throwing things."

"Gold Shirt scampers up into the rocks like a frightened child while he tries to regroup and recover his dignity," Colt said. 

"Pan left Walter, you're losing them," O'Neill said. 

"Have you seen Sam, I need her to..." Daniel asked as he approached O'Neill.

"Not now," O'Neill interrupted him.

"What's the M.A.L.P. found?" Jackson asked, looking at the screen.

"A death match," Ford explained. 

"A what?" Jackson asked. 

"The Sleestack Slicer over there," Ford pointed to the humanoid lizard standing beside a boulder knapping an obsidian dagger, "Is trying to kill Gold Shirt, a human."

"And you're just watching like this is pay per view?" Jackson seemed appalled.

"He's not Jac-bot," Colt said, looking over his shoulder at Ford. "He's not used to us."

"Oh yeah, you're the real Jackson aren't you?" Ford asked. 

"Jac-bot? Is that what you call my android?" Jackson's eyes grew wide.

"Before he got blown up," Ford said, looking back at the monitor. 

"Walter, find Gold Shirt," O'Neill instructed. 

"There is his," Colt pointed to the screen. "Looks like Gold Shirt is stepping up his game and pushing a boulder off the cliff onto the Slicer."

"That's a classic Wyle E. Coyote move," O'Neill pointed to the screen as the boulder rolled over the edge. "But it's only going to work if Slicer is standing on the red X!"

"Slicer looks up one second too late and takes the boulder right to his face," Colt laughed. "This could be a season ending injury for Slicer, who we know is already fighting on two reconstructed knees."

"Slicer is down!" Ford called out. 

"Gold Shirt is moving closer to inspect his kill, but his smile quickly fades when Slicer starts getting to his feet. Slicer took the boulder head on and he's getting back up. Ladies and gentlemen, what a fighter," Cold grinned. 

"Gold Shirt continues his scurrying retreat, but oh, he has tripped over an easily avoidable vine and tangled himself under fallen stones. Slicer is fifty feet away, which gives Gold Shirt a solid half hour to free himself, let's see if he can do it." O'Neill commented. 

"It moves too slowly to be an Unas," Tulol observed, as he and Natock stepped beside Ford. "What is it?"

"It's a Sleestack," Ford explained. 

"I am unfamiliar with that species," Teal'c said as he stood beside O'Neill. "Does it mean to kill that human?"

"That's what it's been trying to do," O'Neill said.

"Surely his death is guaranteed," Bra'tak said, as he looked on. "He is tangled, covered in stones, and the beast looms over him with a stone blade." 

"This could be Gold Shirt's last fight," Ford agreed, as he took the bag of popcorn from O'Neill and scooped out a handful. 

"Five bucks says Gold Shirt is going to be Slee-scat in about three hours," Ford said.

"I'll take some of that action," O'Neill replied. "I've got another five that says he worms his way out."

"Gold Shirt's time has run out," Colt continued his commentary. "Slicer has closed the distance with the frightening pace of a sleepy sloth, and he's digging out his dinner."

"HOW!" Bra'tak shouted at the screen. "How could he miss that human? He was tangled and motionless!"

"Yes! Gold Shirt escapes!" O'Neill laughed.

"Slicer is just now realizing how much that boulder to the face took out of him, and he's starting to regret not munching on the scrawny human when he had the chance. Oh hubris, thy name is Slicer!" Colt commented. 

"Slicer is still trying to shake off the boulder to the snout, but he refuses to give up," Ford added. "The hunt continues."

"Gold Shirt is picking up items now. Is he trying to make a weapon or has a blow to the head left him thinking he's on a scavenger hunt? We'll have to wait and see," Colt continued. 

"Slicer is searching for Gold Shirt, but he's also keeping one eye on the cliff line. He is not going to be Road Runner'd twice in one day," O'Neill said.

"Gold Shirt appears to be mixing elements and packing them into the massive shaft of bamboo. He's either making a rudimentary cannon, or the worlds least effective blow gun," Ford called out. "Now he's tearing a strip from his pant leg to make a fuse."

"Can he light, aim, and fire the cannon before Slicer reaches him?" O'Neill asked. "Mostly likely, yeah. Probably."

"Here comes Slicer!" Colt announced. "He's moving in for the kill. Will his obsidian blade be a match for the cannon? He's getting closer and Gold Shirt still doesn't seem to know his time is running out."

"Slicer's shamble has disturbed some stones and given away his position," Ford added. "Gold Shirt turns just in time to see that Slicer is still a good twenty feet away. Gold Shirt lights the fuse and says a quick Hail Mary as he hopes for the best."

"Yes!" Bra'tak shouted. "His weapon has fired."

"Slicer has taken the brunt of the blast to his shiny golden tunic. He is not going to be happy when he sees that his outfit has been torn!" Colt announced. "Gold Shirt did not get away from that explosion unscathed either. Like a teenager playing with blasting caps, Gold Shirt has realized too late that bamboo lacks the structural integrity to make a proper cannon."

"Slicer is reeling from the shot he just took. Can he stay on his lizard feet?" O'Neill asked. 

"No! Slicer is down, Slicer is down!" Ford yelled. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, things are looking very bad for Slicer right now. He's been down once already in this fight and we saw the toll that it took one him, but now I'm seeing blood. Yes, Gold Shirt has drawn blood. This could be the end for Slicer," Colt said, as he stared at the monitor.

"Gold Shirt has recovered Slicer's slicer," O'Neill called out.

"He's poised for the kill, will Gold Shirt make a pair of boots out of Slicer? Can Slicer snatch victory from the jaws of defeat? Is the referee going to call this blood bath?" Colt shouted. 

The image cut to static as the gate closed. 

"What the hell?" O'Neill snapped. 

"No!" Ford yelled. 

"Come on!" Colt blurted out. 

"The gate closed, it reached it's time limit, Sir," Walter said holding his hands up. 

"Redial the gate! Hurry!" O'Neill yelled at Walter. 

"Redialing..." Walter began. "Chevron one is locked..."

"You know, you don't have to do that for all seven. It's cool, we can see them too" Colt told Walter. 

"I kind of have to, Chevron two is locked," Walter said. 

A moment later the gate opened and the image returned. 

"Where'd they go?" Colt asked. Slicer and Gold Shirt were gone. All that remained was the stone that Slicer lay upon, blood spattered across the rock.

"Seriously?" Ford threw a handful of popcorn at the monitor.

"Did the M.A.L.P. find anything?" General Hammond asked Walter. 

"Yes Sir, there was a human and some sort of lizard man, but we seem to have lost them," Walter explained. 

"Alright, log it in your report," General Hammond said, as he looked at the silent crowd in the control room suspiciously before he turned and left.

"Yes Sir," Walter called out.


End file.
